A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents!
Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”
The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!”
Offside rule explained for girls…
You’re in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.
The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.
Both of you have forgotten your purses.
It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.
The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.
Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.
She prepares to throw her purse to you.
If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.
At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and,
whilst it is in flight you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes.
Always remembering that until the purse had actually been thrown it would be plain wrong to be in front of the other shopper.
Understand now ?
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he
>wanted to marry her right away.
>She said, “But we don’t know anything about each
>other.”
>He said,“That’s all right, we’ll learn about each
>other as we go along.”
>So she consented, they were married, and off they
>went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
>One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got
>up off of his towel,climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a
>half tuck gainer,followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which
>point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more
>demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
>She said, “That was incredible!”
>He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion.
>You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.”
>So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing
>laps. After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her
>towel,and was hardly out of breath.
>He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic
>endurance swimmer?”
>“No,” she said, “I was a hooker in Liverpool but I
>worked both sides of the river.”
A WEALTHY HOSPITAL BENEFACTOR WAS VISITING THE HOSPITAL WHEN, DURING HER
>TOUR, SHE PASSED A ROOM WHERE A MALE PATIENT WAS MASTURBATING.
>
>“OH MY GOD!” SCREAMED THE WOMAN. “THAT’S DISGRACEFUL! WHY IS HE DOING
>THAT?”
>THE DOCTOR THAT WAS LEADING THE TOUR EXPLAINED, “I AM VERY SORRY, BUT THIS
>MAN HAS A SERIOUS CONDITION WHERE THE TESTICLES RAPIDLY REFILL WITH SEMEN.
>IF HE DOESN’T DO THAT FIVE TIMES A DAY, THEY’LL EXPLODE AND HE’LL DIE
>WITHIN
>MINUTES.”
>
>“OH, WELL IN THAT CASE, I GUESS IT’S OK,” COMMENTED THE WOMAN.
>
>IN THE VERY NEXT ROOM THEY COULD SEE THAT A FEMALE NURSE WAS PERFORMING
>ORAL
>SEX ON
>A DIFFERENT MALE PATIENT. AGAIN THE WOMAN SCREAMED, “OH MY GOD! HOW CAN
>THAT
>BE JUSTIFIED?”
>
>THE DOCTOR REPLIED…"SAME ILLNESS, BETTER HEALTH PLAN. "
>
>
>A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
>
>“HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT’S BEEN FLICKERING
>FOR WEEKS NOW”
>
>HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY;
>
>“FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE AN ELECTRICIANS LOGO PRINTED
>ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON’T THINK SO!”
>
>THE WIFE ASKS,
>
>“WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON’T CLOSE RIGHT.”
>
>TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
>
>“FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE HOTPOINT WRITTEN ON MY
>FOREHEAD? I DON’T THINK SO.”
>
>FINE, SHE SAYS,
>
>“THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?” THEY’RE ABOUT TO
>BREAK."
>
>“I’M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON’T WANT TO FIX THE STEPS”, HE SAYS.
>"DOES
>IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WOODIES DIY WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON’T THINK SO. I
>VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I’M GOING TO THE BAR!!! "
>
>SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL
>GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT.
>AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE
>ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A
>BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
>
>“HONEY”, HE ASKS, “HOW’D ALL THIS GET FIXED?”
>
>SHE SAID,
>
>“WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN
>ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS,
>AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.”
>
>HE SAID,
>
>“SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?”
>
>SHE REPLIED,
>
>“HELLOOOOO…DO YOU SEE DELIA SMITH WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON’T
>THINK SO!”
>
>
>
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub…She gestured
> > alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She
>seductively
> > signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did,
> > she gently caressed his full beard. “Are you the manager?” she asked,
>softly
> > stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no,” he replied. “Can
> > you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said,running her hands
> > beyond his beard and into his hair.“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathed the
> > bartender.
> > “Is there anything I can do?”“Yes. I need for you to give him a
> > message,” she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s
>lips
> > and
> > slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to
> > suck them gently. “What should I tell him?” the bartender managed to
> > say.“Tell
> > him,” she whispered, “there’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper
>towels
> > in the ladies room.”
During a visit to the Mental Asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the
>criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be
>institutionalised.
>“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
>a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
>bathtub.”
>“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket
>because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
>“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug.” Do you want
>a room with or without a view?
>
