The new bike test

Shamelessly stolen from elsewhere in cyberspace…it made me laugh

For some years now, since the demise of the old ride-around-the-block test,
bikers have had a test roughly on par with the car driving test (except
you’re not sat in an enclosed space with a sour-faced bloke, nervous as hell
but too scared to fart in case he fails you for it) with a number of set
manoeuvres to carry out before you get the coveted pass slip.

In October of this year, however, in an effort to curb alarming increases in
the number of motorcycle accidents [1] the scope of the test is widening to
encompass many more manoeuvres which are an element of everyday
motorcycling. These are listed below:

  1. Emergency stop. As currently the student must bring the bike to a
    controlled stop from 30mph. Because, in the last 5 years, only 3
    motorcyclists have been KSI’d while running over examiners (2 intentional)
    in future the examiner will simply pull his Audi out of a junction in front
    of the candidate. Failure at this stage may lead to the rest of the test
    being cancelled.

  2. Emergency stop (poor conditions). As above, the candidate is required to
    bring their bike to a controlled stop from 30mph, but this time on a road
    surface compromised by rain / gravel / diesel / bits of candidates who
    failed test 1, etc. Locking either wheel will not automatically fail the
    candidate, nor will them needing to take a dab or having a bit of a scream.
    In fact as long as the end result is tidy enough not to be described as “a
    heap” the test will proceed.

  3. Emergency slow (high speed). A variation of the emergency stop, the
    candidate will be required to slow as quickly as possible, with the bike
    under full control, from 70mph to 30mph, as if a small child had just run
    out in front of them or, more likely, they’d just spotted a camera van in a
    30 limit.

  4. Emergency swerve (high speed). The candidate must swerve their bike at
    70mph to avoid an obstacle ahead - as if the driver of the Volvo in front of
    them had just spotted a camera van in a national speed limit zone.

  5. Feet up U-turn. As with the current test the candidate will be required
    to perform a U-turn in the road without putting their feet down.

  6. Dead lift. The candidate will be expected to show the correct technique
    to lift a fallen bike by themselves, as if they had, for example, just
    spectacularly cocked up a feet up U-turn.

  7. Filtering. The candidate will be expected to filter between two lanes of
    stationary / slow moving traffic showing appropriate observation, respect
    for other road users and the courtesy to GET THE F*** OUT OF THE WAY if
    somebody filtering faster comes up behind them. The examiner may award
    bonus marks for imaginative and appropriate use of hatched areas, cycle
    lanes, pavements and flower beds in order to “make progress”.

  8. Filtering (part II). While maintaining full control of the bike the
    candidate must make use of appropriate thank you/f*** you gestures to
    traffic on both sides (not simultaneously). Once again, bonus marks are
    available for candidates showing exceptional imagination.

  9. Observation. At a distance of 400 meters the candidate must decide
    whether the vehicle ahead is (a) a breakdown truck, (b) a marked police car
    or © a Highways Agency fake-fuzz and, based on their decision, make a
    controlled deceleration from 150mph … or not.

  10. Communication. While maintaining a steady speed of 60mph the candidate
    must make the appropriate hand signals to show (a) they are turning left,
    (b) they are turning right, © they are slowing down, (d) they need petrol,
    (e) they need a pint, (f) that a member of the group is no longer present
    after the last series of fast twisties and may have gone for a countryside
    lie-down, (g) that something has gone wrong with their bike, but they’re not
    sure what, (h) that their mate is f***ing mental and (i) to warn on-coming
    bikers that there is a cop with a hairdryer in wait 1 mile ahead, followed
    by 3 miles of clear roads and then another 2 cops, on bikes, hiding in the
    entrance to a field.

  11. Parking. The candidate must demonstrate the correct technique to park,
    nose out, in a 5 bike bay without needing to occupy the entire bay. Kicking
    over scooters to clear some space will be overlooked as long as the examiner
    is happy that it was intentional.

  12. Stunts. The candidate must attempt to wheelie, stoppie or get their
    knee down (examiner’s choice). The candidate will not be penalised for
    being a ham fisted bafoon with no clue as to what they’re supposed to be doing
    as long as they don’t actually end up on their arse in the road watching
    their bike do the cartwheel of death.

Following the practical section of the test their will be an extensive
verbal test, one to one with the examiner, where the candidate must

  1. That they can discuss the relative merits of the ZX-10R, R1, Fireblade
    and GSX-1000R despite the fact that they’re taking their test on a ER-5,
    which is the only bike that they’ve ever ridden.

  2. That they are aware of techniques to improve their performance or
    aesthetics of their bike, yet unaware that if they do all of the things that
    they’re talking about their bike will end up an unrideable shed that looks
    like it’s been attacked by a chimp dunked in Hammerite and given an
    anodising gun.,

  3. That they are capable of planning an elaborate bike related scheme, such
    as touring Europe, riding “the long way round”, taking up amateur racing or
    building a special from scratch. The candidate should make full use of the
    back of a fag packet to describe their idea, but this may be discarded once
    the test is complete.

  4. That they can make observations and timely judgments sufficiently well to
    know when it’s time for them to go to the bar.

The government’s stated objection is to make the test last so long that, by
the time it is completed, all riders are already at the “old and slow” stage
of life and so damn sick of bikes that they never want to see one again.

In an effort to further this the UK is likely to have only one test site,
with one examiner, who has been suffering with sciatica since 1987 and
frequently has months off work at a time. In addition the test fee is
likely to be raised to £15,000.

MAG was quick to denounce the proposal, saying that it would lead to a UK
biking population entirely composed of late-middle aged bikers with an
excessively cautious approach to bikes and bike riding.

In other news BMW has predicted a 75% increase in sales for the first
quarter of 2009 and Honda have announced that they are ceasing production of
all of their models except the VFR800.

[1] Last year 99.4% of all motorcyclists were killed or seriously

[2] Based on government figures of everybody who has ridden a motorcycle
since their invention, in Leicester in 1898, and calculating what percentage
of them are now dead or have been seriously[3] injured. Ever. By anything.

[3] Seriously enough to use one of the “big four” swear words

Brilliant chap, well found.

Brilliant!! Unfortunately some of it is too near the truth!! :D:D

Sounds suspiciously like a leaked document from that oxymoron, a government “think tank”.

Good work, well posted.

Best laugh today -well done:)