Hello. John’s wife here. What is it that she’s doing that’s so bad? Can you give some examples?
Are you fighting the wrong battles? Are you fighting all of them?!
Can’t really say much about raising girls as mine is 6 weeks old and so far so good but if she get her mother’s look and my personality, we are in the **** and canceling xmas won’t do me no good 
On the other hand, my 7 years old boy is an angel… I can’t remember the last time I had to raise my voice because of him… This said I am so little involved in his daily routine that I can’t take much credit. Although as I am the type to create punishment well disproportionate to the crime (ie: you are late to school because you took too long to get ready = we are getting up at 4 am to get ready for 9 am school until you get ready in good time -that work by the way, on the second day he was feed, washed and dress in 20 minutes and never got late since) so that consequences are so terrible that even if he think he will get away without getting caught, he won’t still do something bad just in case I find out as this is definitely not worth it.
So his mum has just to mention that I will get involve to keep this boy in line…
one thing that worked for me when I was in boarding school with the Jesuits in France is the punishment was to be locked up in a window less room with bear walls, a table, a chair and a book (the bible obviously but I would recommend something even dryer and more educational as the bible can be quite entertaining at times and do not really help in most people daily working life)
After the first couple of hours rebelling and doing nothing, you do open the book and start reading… anything to make time pass faster…
the idea of passing an other Sunday looked up with the holy book instead of going to play sport kept me in line (most of the time)
Yes I will give you some examples, this eveining if I have time, The wrong battles? I dont know, I’ll have a think later…
Yep, we have theT-Shirt on this one…
Hmm I am not convinced anything works…i have three boys and they are all in their own little darlings and total nighmares…
My kids want for very very little but they respect nothing, goods and things have little or no meaning to them and so they dont miss them when theya re taken away…a smack doesnt work, I stopped doing that years ago,
shouting abuse doesnt work as it warps their mind…
The most important thing is keep talking to them, love her and show it, make sure she knows it, but dont stop communicating, they will see where you are coming from eventually…get them to come up with their own self inflicted punishments…see what she would do to herself and then do it…but most of all keep talking to her…dont be too hard and do remember she is only a kid…even though it doesnt feel like that at times…
I don’t have children but I know what it feels like to get beats, so I have some experience in this field.
From my perspective regardless of whether you are angry or not when you “chastise” a child they will interpret it as being beaten out of anger. All sense of what the hell they actually are getting beats for goes out the window and survival instincts kick in while they go into a dark place till it stops. Furthermore you usually get beats either on your hands (which you might actually need for something like writing), or your bum (which you might actually need to sit on and, which arguably no one should be touching till you are old enough to be getting sum action). Getting beaten on either of these places can make you feel violated. Also you never forget being beaten. I just try not to think about it anymore and refuse to discuss it with my parents or my siblings who would grass on me firm in the knowledge of resulting beats. The humble wooden spoon has a sinister past in my memory.
As for discipline what can possibly work is to find some bargaining chips. This would be much easier if she was old enough to be in a sports team or something where she could be banned from playing and thus let all her team mates down and her coach down. There has to be something that she is really into that she can be denied. That is a possibility I guess.
Another piece of advice is try very hard not to get emotionally involved (school teachers have to work at this). As they grow older your kids may call you everything under the sun but even if you have to go and have a beer and cry or something afterwards don’t let them see that you are emotionally involved in the argument. They will use this as a tool. If you get called names or foul language don’t even let it register just keep repeating your message. Don’t argue. Just keep repeating your message.
I appreciate it’s a bit early for this but if things become unbearable you could consider boarding school.
Finally and this is really important. If the younger brother starts acting up for God sake don’t say to her, “well I wonder where he gets it from?” I had this my whole life. Not only was I reprimanded for my own trouble I was in some way responsible for my brothers. Jesus. Please don’t ever say that.
And stick to your guns regarding Christmas. It’ll be a good lesson in actions and consequences. I hate Christmas anyway.
Best wishes.
Be fair, reasonable and consistent. Not always easy when you’ve just been wound up.
I find that being consistent with punishment helps. Not, sometimes you let them get away with it, because you cannot be bothered, and other times you’ll come down hard on them, because you are feeling a little less tolerent.
Set the rules with your Missus and Yourself and back each other up 100%. Something like the removal of PS2 rights when a wrong is committed; you need to find something that they really like, that you can easily take from them. Keep it simple to give it a chance of working and being understood. You may find that simply sending your daughter to her room when she has done something wrong works. This works with my oldest son. With my youngest it is the removal of his favourite toy.
Punishment is also a lesson. You have to explain why they are being punished, again this is where consistency comes in. Otherwise they will never appreciate the consequences of their actions. Give them a chance to get over the “this is so unfair” reaction, to that eureka moment, where the realisation comes that they can actually control the way their parents behave. They cannot do this if you are not being reasonable and consistent with them.
Finally patience. You will not be able to change things overnight, a few months of being disciplined with your approach, and having a sound strategy, will pay off.
Had some hard lessons on bring up kids, as the oldest of five brothers and sisters when my parents died, at the age of 23. My youngest brother was 8 and sister was 10. I made a shed load of mistakes which caused long term damage to my relationship with my brother who was 14 at the time. My own kids though; well, they do not stand a chance 
I have 5 kids of my own and 2 step kids ranging in age from 18 down to 4 1/2its all a learning curve each kid reacts differently to punishments , but the most effective i have found, is to take away their prize possesions, ie my youngest has 3 favourite toys pw50, bmx, and standup push scooter , if he is naughty the scooter goes in the garage if he is still naughty the bmx goes in there too, he has learnt that he doesnt get them back till he is good and understands what he has done wrong , it works cause after the bmx goes in the garage i tell him once more and the pw50 gets sold on ebay!!
he knows im not joking and that i / we stick to what we say will happen , So far he still has his pw50 and knows not to push any further , after helping to bring up the other 6 this is defiantly the most effective pushiment i have ever tried .
be firm , and stick to your actions if you say your going to do somthing you must do it , :)good luck mate
Time out in a bedroom stripped of everything electronic
A reward chart (they are never too old!)
Grounding on the weekends.
Just glad I don’t have girls - 2 boys, still got the 15 year old at home…not sure what to do with girls… good luck hope it works out. Q
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here:)My son is now 20 and we have had more than our fair share of ups and downs with him and still are:w00t:You can’t fight every battle George, sometimes you need to bite your lip and sway with the breeze before you snap.Choose your battles, the ones that are really crucial and sway with the minor stuff mate.Otherwise you’re gonna end up loosing them boyish good looks to worry lines;)
don’t have kids mate but it seems these days kids are not afraid anymore as they know they can get away with just about any ****. I remember getting a good smack for being late for dinner. Maybe I was afraid of that and I trully respected my parents and their authority, not only that but my teachers also. Maybe it was the simple Eastern European way… lol the Cummunist ways… I can’t recall the last time any of the 30 kids in my class did anything wrong in school. I can remember throwin a single tantrum once because I wanted a penguin windup toy… that was the last time I ever did that. Why? Well because I saw other kids do it and I tried it, I didn’t work:) so I never bothered again. I do think there is a big difference between beating as punishement and beating because you like to abuse your child. I never got beat badly and neither did anyone else I knew but God I hated getting my sideburns pulled by my parents or teachers, Jesus that hurt like hell:) same with ruller smacks on the palms, pulling ears etc… no need to break their back or leave marks and under no circumstances hits anywhere near the head (after all you want that part to be intact), I also remember that my parents never argued or had a go at me in public, so if I did something wrong when I was with them around their friends they would have a mild go and tell me off… but I knew I would get serious ass smack at home.
These days your child spends more time with complete idiots, probably 10 hours a day around other children. For some reason in today’s society stupidy and ignorance is rewarded. You child won’t be praised by his friends for getting A’s, or for answering teacher’s questions or for doing a good deed. They will be praised and seen as cool if they take the **** out of others, if they answer back rudely to their teachers and giving silly answers when asked something, and most of all they will be praised by their friends and other kids if they behave like complete morons.
I suggest showing your kids a film called IDIOCRAC http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0387808/ the film is silly but was made for the average people and the ones below average which outnumber the majority of people that want to do something with their future, a slap in the face for some, not sure how many people will get the message…
Ok, some good bits of advice here…but Sneaks? a question, you say your little un takes the pee with the missus and her bruv? but tends to listen to you, a bit more?..maybe…if you can arrange a day when you can take her out, just you and her and watch her moves, see whats making her laugh, happy etc…take her for a Mcd and sit and talk to her…not prying but kind of the way SHE understands, but yeh…pry ??? (you get what i mean?) …let her know you love her to bits etc but you wont let her take the pee anymore, that when she does that stuff you dont think she wants you as her Daddy…that it hurts you and her mum?..(i dont know how you want to word it, it will come naturally when your talking to her?, but find out what it is thats making her be this way)…
Taking her things that she loves from her is going to make her hate you more…and the more she gets punished and gets over it, the more its NOT going to make her care, in fact? if she wants to make a statement that she can run you two guys as parents, sort of show whos boss kind of thing? (cos youve prob given in to her before now for peace and quiet…weve all done it mate!)…then the more shes going to pick on your other kiddies and also rebel against u guys?..believe me, ive been there …im like you, brought up with nothing but beatings and rows surrounding me…the more i got beat the more i vowed NEVER to let them know they were hurting me and the more i played up and went against them !!! i KNEW i was going to get beats anyway, so i might as well do what i wanted to !! After a while, it didnt hurt me what they did anyway !! I couldnt wait to leave home and did so as soon as i got to 18, wouldve gone earlier but had nowhere to go !!
If my so called mother had taken more time to show she cared, wanted to spend time, etc with ME, not my brothers or sister…but ME i wouldve gladly run those errands, helped her with housework, looked after my younger brother and sis…etc…all i felt was hatred…
Now im not saying ur little baby girl has the same feelings cos of the probs i had? but theres something thats getting on her nerves? and maybe YOU taking time to sit and be with her alone with no interuptions, would help? She could be getting shite at school or someone she knows…she might feel left out cos of the other kiddies?..you wont know until you can get into what it is thats triggering it all off?
With my own kids i swore i would never hit them as i was hit…and i didnt take any toys away from them, they each had their own and i made sure i spent as much time as i could with them…luckily the boys were born year and half apart as i had my daughter first, so she was able to help me sit and play with them…(notice no “dad” mentioned here)…
Im sure youve tried all sorts…and im not trying to tell you how to parent them…its never a easy one, just for me personally, i took it really bad when my mum stopped me doing the things that really helped me not feel so upset about being at home in the first place with them? And her hitting me with a stick or him beating the crap out of me, became something i grew used to, and made me hate them more and swear i would never do that to my own…try not to get worked up though and boy i know its hard…but it does seem that she will listen to the father figure more, and thats so common too? good luck you guys !!!
I think that Lozza is right - We have two teenagers and we have tried to discuss with them and treat them as far as possible as adults. We do not set arbitrary rules but we do mean what we say about the rules and conditions that we do set. This is a very difficult area and all parents struggle with it. I am not against smacking and we did it when our kids were very young but I feel that if you have to resort to physical measures with a child over about 6 then the game is up and you have lost it. You are right to resist this and I would urge you to continue to resist and consider anything but that. Cancelling Christmas is an option but is not likley to work becuase it is a long way off - there is no immediate impact and your daughter will gamble that you will not go throigh with it. Much better to go for immediate things - grounding, telly, computers etc. It is also important to recognise and reward remembering that praise and recognition, showing your pleasure can be just as effective as material rewards. Good luck!
Shame you dont have a son - mine are 17 and 19 and the only threat that ever worked was - your not nice I dont feed you. Worked every time(and still does - use it on the husband occasionly -works on him as well)
Cancelling christmas is a bit harsh though - thats in the future - at 9 they need punished today for what they did today - she will have totally forgotten what she did wrong by then (and so will you probably). No telly and their own company for a while usually works -as does a consistancy.
My first is due next week - you’ve all given me the fear!
What’s she like at school?
I’m a primary teacher and I’ve been approached a couple of times by parents who are struggling with their kids at home (trying to get them on ritilin (ADHD)) when in school they are well behaved and polite.
With three separate families I’ve acted as the threat as the child hasn’t wanted me to know that they’re being ‘naughty’ at home. All I’ve done is speak with the parent at the gate at the end of the day to ask how the kid has been. Then making a fuss of them in class when I hear good news, and be publicly disappointed when they haven’t.
You’d be suprised at how much it means to some children to be well thought of at school when they’re terrorizing their parents at home.
If she is well behaved at school, then speak with the teacher - they will probably be more than willing to help because they won’t want it transfrerring into the classroom.
If she isn’t well behaved in school then again, work with the teacher and like KML said, if its a good school that isn’t drowning in beaviour problems, they might get through to her.