In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.”
He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
“Noah!” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”
“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval because the Ark was over 30 m2. I’ve been arguing with the Fire Authority about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it is a temporary structure, but the roof is too high.
We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision. The Local Area Access Group complained that my ramp was going to be too steep, and the inside of the Ark wasn’t fully accessible, then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA prosecuted me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
I then had a visit from the Health & Safety Inspectorate, who told me that I needed to carry out an individual written risk assessment in respect of each species of animal. This was bad enough in respect of the 44,000 species of vertebrates, but the 751,000 species of insects have created a real problem, and with great respect, Lord, it would have been helpful if you had curbed your creative enthusiasm. I pointed out to the HSE that the risk from the flood was rather more immediate, but to no avail, O Lord.
Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an Environmental Impact Study on your proposed flood.
I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many members of the black and minority ethnic community I’m supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only CSCS accredited workers with relevant Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”
“No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”