Natal Curry Contest

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there’s no

hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.

For those of you who have lived in Natal , you know how typical this is.

They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July.

It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America .

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a

Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment

and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for

directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by

the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn’t be all that spicy and,

besides, they told me I could have free beer during the

tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


Judge # 1 – A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 – Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) – Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the

flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.


Judge # 1 – Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.

Judge # 2 – Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 – Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what

I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who

wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer

when they saw the look on my face.


Judge # 1 – Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge # 2 – A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.

Judge # 3 – Call 911. I’ve located a uranium pill. My nose feels like

I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now.

Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone

is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting pissed from all the beer.


Judge # 1 – Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 – Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge # 3 – I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable

to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the

beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is

starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?


Judge # 1 – Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 – Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the

chilli peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 – My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no

longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The

contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage.

Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.

I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges

asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.


Judge # 1 – Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 – The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 – My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to **** myself if I fart and I’m

worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand

behind me except that Shareen. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to

wipe my arse with a snow cone ice-cream.


Judge # 1 – A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned


Judge # 2 – Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a

can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this

stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit

of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).

Judge # 3 – You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which

slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my

shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve

decided to stop breathing - it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting

any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch

hole in my stomach.


Judge # 1 – The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold

but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 – This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild

nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,

passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.

Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he’d have

reacted to really hot curry?

Judge # 3 - No Report.

I grew up in Natal and for a while my father worked in Clairwood, premominantly Indian area. He used to bring home the most devine breyani’s and curries. Miss the good food there.

Went to the spice market and bought some “mother in law hellfire” curry powder. HOT!!! Avoided once called, Atomic Bomb…!:w00t:

Ahhh, the memories. Nothing beats a decent curry with some ice cold lager!