(1)
Hypnotist
It was entertainment night at the senior centre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, “Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat “I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations.”
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…" The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
…“SH*T!” shouted the Hypnotist…
…It took three days to clean up the senior centre.
(2)
What’s the definition of the bravest man in the world??
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: “You’re next, ugly.”
(3)
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
- 2 litres of low fat milk
- a carton of eggs
- 2 litres of orange juice
- a head of lettuce
- half a dozen tomatoes
- a 500g jar of coffee
- a 250g pack of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out. A drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?” The drunk replied, “Cause you’re ugly.”
