Dear Mrs. Tug,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty
Card, the Manager of our store in Watford is considering banning you and your
family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our
June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s
trolleys when they weren’t looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House Wares to go off at 5-minute
July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
“Code 3” in House Wares… and watched what happened.
August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION - WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told
shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring sausages and
a Calor gas stove.
September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he
began to cry and asked, “Why can’t you people just leave
October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror,
picked his nose, and ate it.
November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the House
Wares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the
antidepressants were situated.
December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the
theme tune from “Mission Impossible”
December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the “Madonna look”
using different size funnels.
December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled
“PICK ME, PICK ME!”
December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed
the foetal position and screamed “NO! NO! It’s those voices again.”
And; last, but not least:
December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while;
then yelled, very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here.”