“Doc, I can’t stop singing the green green grass of home.”

“That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”

“Is it common?”

“It’s not unusual.”

:crazy: lol

One of my favourite pass-times is to pack myself into the smallest suitcase I can find. I can hardly contain myself.

:smiley: :stuck_out_tongue: :smiley:

I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today,
but when I looked again it said ‘Thick Cut’ ’ :D:D

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me…

‘Oi, what’s your disability?’

I said ‘Tourettes! Now fck off you cnt!’ :w00t:

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he
can’t believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

‘Excuse me do I know you?’ he asks. ‘Yes I think you are the father of one
of my kids’ she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says
‘F*cking hell are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate
whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?’

‘No’ she replies ‘I’m your son’s English teacher!’

I am on a roll…:stuck_out_tongue:

I went to see the dentist and as I sat in the chair I noticed that instead of going up and down, this one went forwards and backwards.

When the dentist came in he said to me “Please get out of the filing cabinet sir”

i said to the ice cream man “can i have an ice cream please?”

He said “hundreds and thousands?”

I said “well, I’ll start with just one!!” :smiley:

I went into the butchers and he bet me £10 i couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf. I never took him up on it coz the steaks are too high!! :w00t:

I saw on the news that a London ice-cream van owner had been found dead in his van, suffocated by hundreds and thousands.

He is said to have topped himself:P:D:D

your killing me, cant stop laughing

As I was walking back to my car a man stopped me and asked for a lift, i said “Sure, you look great, the worlds your oyster, go for it”.

When I reached my car I noticed somone had left me a compliment, there was a note on my window that said “Parking Fine”, so that was nice.

I became a member of The Secret Seven. It’s so secret, I don’t even know who the other six are… :stuck_out_tongue:

So I was on my bike, and I was riding along, and my boss rang up on my new bluetooth headset, and he said, 'You’ve been promoted. 'And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said, 'You’ve been promoted again. 'And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said ’ you’re managing director. ‘And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said ’ What happened to you?’ And I said 'I careered off the road. :cool:

last one:

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I’ll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I’m very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I’ll have a pound of kilos. :w00t:

ok one more:

Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said ‘Hey, you’ve got your sleeve in my drink’, man replied ‘There’s no (h)arm in it’ :smiley:

After getting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn’t travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

‘Excuse me, Your Holiness,’ says the driver, ‘Would you please take your seat so we can leave?’

‘Well, to tell you the truth,’ says the Pope, ‘they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.’

‘I’m sorry but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! And what if something should happen?’ protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.

‘There might be something extra in it for you,’ says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

‘Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!’ pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. ‘Oh, dear God, I’m gonna lose my license,’ moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

‘I need to talk to the Chief,’ he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

‘So bust him,’ says the Chief.

‘I don’t think we want to do that - he’s really important,’ said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, ‘All the more reason!’

‘No, I mean really important,’ said the cop.

The Chief then asked, ‘Who have you got there, the Mayor?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

Chief: ‘Governor?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

‘Well,’ said the Chief, ‘Who is it?’

Cop: ‘I think it’s God!’

Chief: ‘What makes you think it’s God?’

Cop: ‘He’s got the Pope as a chauffeur!’

Why I fired my Secretary

Last week was my birthday
and I didn’t feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant
and say, ‘Happy Birthday!’, and
possibly have a small present for me

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone ‘Happy Birthday.’

I thought…
Well, that’s marriage for you,
but the k ids…
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to
breakfast and didn’t say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday! ’
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, ‘You know,
It’s such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.’
I said, ‘Thanks, Jane,
that’s the greatest thing
I’ve heard all day.
Let’s go!’

We went to lunch.
But we didn’t go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, ‘You know,
It’s such a beau tiful day…
We don’t need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?’

I responded,
‘I guess not. What do you have in mind?’

She said, 'Let’s drop by my apartment,

it’s just around the corner.’

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
’ Boss, if you don’t mind,
I’m going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I’ll be right back.’
‘Ok,’ I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .
Followed by my wife, my kids,
and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy

And I just sat there…

On the couch…


A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. She promptly hacked
her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the
course. The husband cringed, ‘I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have
to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is
going to cost us.’ So, the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the

A warm voice said, ‘Come on in.’

When they opened the door, they saw the damage that was done: glass was all
over the floor, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the
broken window. A large man reclining on the couch asked, ‘Are you the
people that broke the window?’

‘Uh…yes, Sir. We’re very sorry about that,’ The husband replied.

‘Oh, No apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I’m a
Genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that
you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes.
I’ll give you each one wish, but, if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the
last one for myself.’

‘Wow, that’s great!’ The husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted
out, ‘I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.’

‘No problem,’ said the genie. ‘You’ve got it; it’s the least I can do. And,
I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life! Now you, young lady, what do you
want?’ The genie asked the wife.

‘I’d like to own a gorgeous home, complete with servants, in every country
In the world,’ she said.

‘Consider it done, ‘the genie said.’ And your homes will always be safe from
fire, burglary and natural disasters!’

‘And now,’ the couple asked in unison, ‘What’s your wish, Genie?’

‘Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, and haven’t been with a woman
in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife!’

The husband looked at his wife and said, ‘Gee, Honey, you know we both now
have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?’

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, ‘You know, you’re right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you,

‘You know I love you, sweetheart,’ said the husband. ‘I’d do the same for

So, the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the
afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three
hours of non-stop sex, he rolled over, looked directly into her eyes, and
asked, ‘How old are you and your husband?’

‘Why, we’re both 35,’ she responded, breathlessly.

‘No kidding,’ he said. ‘Thirty-five-years-old, and both of you still
believe in genies?’


An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon …

F**k off’ she said, ‘they’re for the funeral.’

paddy the gambler

The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office.

The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.

The auditor says, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable.’

‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Paddy. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘Okay. You’re on!’

Paddy says, 'I’ll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye.

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It’s a bet. ’

Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Paddy says, 'Now, I’ll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other eye.’
The auditor can tell Paddy isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy’s solicitor as a witness.

He starts to get nervous. ‘Would you like to go double or nothing?’

Paddy asks. ‘I’ll bet you six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of
your desk and pee into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never
get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains like hell, he can’t make the stream reach the bin on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win.

But Paddy’s solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks." Not really,’ says the solicitor. ‘This morning, when Paddy told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here and **** all over your desk - and that you’d be happy about it!’

Hahaha…how in the hell am I going to be able to explain this burst of laughter to my co-workers. They’re for the funeral…THAT is funny.