Friday joke thread

So to get us through the day, add any jokes here:)
A son goes home to his dad, all excited! says dad I’ve been given a part in the school play! Playing a man whose been married for 23 years. Dad says better luck next time son, you might get a speaking part.

Bitter husband says to wife ''on your headstone i’ll put cold as ever! ''Wife says ''thats ok on yours i’ll put STIFF AT LAST!

What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?

Well endowed.

what do you call two spanish firemen??

‘Jose’ and ‘Hose B’

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk.

A mate of mine told me he’s shagging twins. I said how can you tell the difference … he said her bothers’s got a moustache!

Tom and Clark were standing on the roof of their building drinking a few beers on their break and Clark said, “Hey Tom, did you know that if you jump off this building, after you get down so far, a draft will pull you back inside the building on the third floor?”

“Get outta here,” said Clark.

“No I’m serious, watch me.”

Clark hopped off the building and sure enough, he was taken in by the draft at the third floor window. He took the elevator back to the top and Tom and a security guard that arrived were standing there, Tom in awe.

“I can’t believe it.” Said Tom.

“I know you should try it Tom.”

So Tom hopped off and plunged into the ground.

“Superman you’re an a-hole when you’re drunk.” said the security guard.

How do you get a 80yr old granny to shout ‘‘C**t?’’ Get another to shout Bingo !’’

A successful gynecologist decides to fulfill his life’s dream: give up medical practice and become a motorcycle mechanic.

So he gets out of the medical business and enrolls at a mechanic’s seminar with Harley Davidson.
After many weeks of training comes the final examination, taking apart and then re-assembling a randomly chosen Harley engine.

He grabs his tools and sets to work, but soon he gets worried: while he is still working on the valve-covers, everybody else is already busy with removing the cylinder heads.

He falls more and more behind, and as he is just starting to put it all back together, everybody else is already finished.

He manages to put the engine back together, barely in time before the exam ends.

Because it took him so much longer than everybody else, he goes straight to the teacher to ask how he performed.

“Well,” the teacher says, “out of one hundred possible points you scored 150.” “But how is that possible?” the ex-gynecologist asks.

“Well, it breaks down to this: You get fifty points for correctly taking the engine apart. And you get another fifty points for putting it back together perfectly.” “And what did I get those additional fifty points for?”

“For doing it all through the exhaust.”

ok not a joke, but still funny