In a public statement to the House of Commons, the newly-appointed anti-Bird-Flu supremo, Mr. Guy Dog, has said that Britain will prevent the entry of birds with H5-N1 “bird flu” to England, Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland. Recognising the extreme concerns of the British public, and the headless-chicken screaming panic of the tabloid editors, new immigration controls will come into effect soon and should remain in force until further notice, or until the media gets bored with covering such a juicy panic-fest story.
Firstly, all birds arriving in Britain will have to land first at an authorised pond which has been checked and declared clean of infection. Secondly, all birds will be required to walk, hop, or splash through a shallow foot-bath of disinfectant. The next step, which is the key to the plan, is based on the European proposal for “animal vaccination passports”. All birds must show an up to date passport with a current visa before being allowed to leave the pond and travel on to inland destinations. There will be fast-track channel for birds who can prove they are British varieties.
Complying with American requests, they must have full personal details in electronic form, and a recent colour photo. Birds with hoods (such as hunting hawks) will have to take them off before being photographed. This has waived in the case of female birds from Saudi Arabia on religious grounds. The passports will be reasonably priced at around $500.
The minister claimed that these rules will prevent any illegal entry by birds, although provisions for arrivals from foreign countries to claim asylum have been attacked by Tory opposition leader, David Cameron, on the grounds that many leading members of his party have been described as “hawks”, and might be excluded when they return from overseas visits.
In late breaking-news, it has been revealed that the minister, Mr. G. Dog is in fact disgraced former minister David Blunkett’s guide dog. Sources close to Mr. Dog say that whilst Mr. Blunkett has not yet been politically rehabilitated, Mr. Dog is politically clean, and won the position on his own merits. This is despite allegations that Mr. Dog has already been accused of attempting to fast-track a visa application for his vet’s parrot, Edna.
Another scandal surrounds a claim that a sickly American hunting bird had been admitted to Britain, but Mr. Dog denied that he was an ill eagle immigrant. Labour officials have been quick to deny what they call cheep propaganda against Mr. Dog simply because he was new in the job. Government whips stated that “Mr. Dog might be look like an old dog, but he is still capable of learning new tricks”.
