This has probably been posted before but my mother sent it to me yesterday and she could hardly speak from laughing so much!
June 2013 at 13:55 ·
THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON
AMAZON.CO.UK AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN. I ACTUALLY HAD TEARS
ROLLING DOWN MY FACE WHILE READING IT!!! SOOOO
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly
Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous
shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out
trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I
would do the deed on the missus’s birthday as a bit if a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea
I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous
reviews and wrote them off as soft office types…Oh my fellow sufferers how
wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after
giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom.
Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something
to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of
seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as
like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the
ceiling with my head. Religion hadn’t featured much in my life until that night
but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent
burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the
meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash
the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat
of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the
hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I
crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I
yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and
positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it
melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned.
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to
give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something
else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of
what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet
as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some
between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel
had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was
running its engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life
I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give
you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one
of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from
the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was
greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from
my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels
good” Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I
hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself
which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her
direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11
at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting
and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the
ice cream was didn’t improve my status…so to sum it up, VEET removes hair,
dignity and self-respect ~