A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’:)
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’
And then the fight started.
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started.
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‘you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’
And then the fight started…
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started…
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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it… he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!’
So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’
And then the fight started…
My other half went away to st lucia for xmas for 3 wks…ALONE…i couldnt get the time off work…ok my bad…
anyone who knows me, knows im a shoe and bagaholic…got loads and loads of em…love em !!!
SO, other half comes home, we sit and talk excitedly about what he did, who he saw, what they said, where they went…he said, she said rah rah rah…and im sitting there thinking, hes gonna get my pressy out soon…
waited for a while, well a good while, it was that evening !! THEN he goes to his bag and says, “i didnt know what to get u so i picked up this in st lucia”…
a bloody PURSE with st lucia, pictures of dolphins and birds, in bright tan colour with reds and greens (which i CAN match up but never WOULD with this “thing”) !!
he got himself bottles of rum and whiskey and aftershave etc !!! not even a bottle of perfume for moi !!
and then the fight started !!!
