The worst place in the world to work

I found it and it’s in Colchester.

Advert here but in case it gets taken down also below

Web Developer

Universal Web Design


Job details

Job type


Number of positions for this role



  • Experience:
  • WordPress, 10 years (Preferred)
  • PHPMyAdmin, 10 years (Preferred)
  • PHP, 10 years (Preferred)
  • CSS, 10 years (Preferred)
  • JavaScript, 10 years (Preferred)
  • JQuery, 10 years (Preferred)
  • MySQL, 10 years (Preferred)
  • Magento , 10 years (Preferred)
  • HTML, 10 years (Preferred)
  • Drupal , 10 years (Preferred)
  • Web Development, 10 years (Preferred)
  • Laravel, 10 years (Preferred)
  • Joomla, 10 years (Preferred)
  • Concrete5 , 10 years (Preferred)
  • Location:
  • Colchester, Essex (Preferred)
  • Licence:
  • Drivers (Preferred)
  • Language:
  • English (Preferred)

Full Job Description










We only want the very best to apply to join us at UWD.

About Universal Web Design

  • Universal Web Design is a multi-award-winning digital marketing company

  • Our offices are based in Colchester, Essex

  • Ample on-site parking

  • Over 600 clients

  • Mostly Essex based clients however some are national, international and global companies

  • Universal Web Design is looking to reach 1,000 clients by November 2020


  • Web Design

  • Online Shops

  • Social Media Marketing

  • Email Marketing

  • Search Engine Optimisation

  • Blog Management

  • Mobile Applications

  • Business Emails

  • Website Hosting

  • Graphic Design

  • Video production


  • UK Based

  • All inhouse team

  • Digital lounge

  • Over 200 5 Star Reviews

  • Many communication methods for customers

  • 7 Business Awards

  • Multi-award winning business owner

  • 4 screens for every desk

  • Ultra modern office space

  • Great customer focused team

  • Public pricing


  • Web Developers Dream

  • All equipment you will need

  • All Web Development tools provided

  • All Web Development Systems setup

  • All Web Development Processes systemised

  • Web Development systems all setup

  • Web Development team to support

  • Customer management systems

  • Small, medium and large clients

  • Helpful team

  • Excellent reviews

We Expect

  • Someone who is punctual and early to work

  • Presentable in Universal Web Design branded attire

  • Works above and beyond expectations

  • Fast and efficient

  • Profitable for the business

  • Ambitious to grow and learn as a person and other skill sets

  • Be able to speak with customers with confidence

  • A desire to look after clients

  • Reliable for your colleagues and clients

  • Organised for yourself, colleagues and clients

  • Professional in an office environment

  • Confident to call people you do not know

  • Able to deal with issues if they were to arise

  • Welcoming to feedback from clients, team members, managers, Directors and trainers

  • Ambitious in your career and wanting to grow in role and remuneration

  • Happy and positive throughout the day

  • Hungry and eager to grow a highly profitable client base

  • Very proud to be a member of the team here at UWD

  • Willing to work extra hours if needed

  • Someone who keeps themselves fit and healthy

Apply Somewhere Else If You Are

  • Lazy

  • Negative

  • Hard to manage

  • Difficult to work with

  • Annoying

  • Lack drive or ambition

  • Late

  • Leave early

  • A clock watcher

  • Constantly checking your mobile

  • Doing things you should not be doing during working hours

  • Messy

  • Scruffy

  • Poor office etiquette


  • To implement the best web development strategies

  • To use ethical processes and techniques

  • To ensure clients benefit from their websites

  • To ensure clients benefit from an excellent ROI

  • To ensure clients understand what you are doing for them

  • To educate clients as to what you do and why it is of benefit

  • To have patience for clients with less knowledge

  • To be able to speak to audiences / public speaking

  • To be able to speak with the press and media

  • To produce a minimum revenue of £10,000+ per month

  • To get all web team members producing £10,000+ per month

  • To build a strong and loyal customer base who will recommend UWD to people they know

  • To smash targets and exceed expectations as an individual and team

Company Benefits

  • Good base salary

  • Salary increases as you progress

  • Discounts at - cinemas, restaurants, gyms, phone insurance and c. 100 benefits

  • Onsite parking

  • Team trips

  • Company paid for events

  • Hard working office environment

  • Amazing equipment, tools and systems

  • Respect and appreciation from clients

  • Gifts from customers

  • Awards evenings

  • Recognition

  • Career progression

Retention Scheme

  • Profit share scheme is applicable following 5 years at the company

  • Additional bonuses and perks at year 5

  • Additional bonuses and perks at year 10

Key Skills

  • Being able to speak with any and all types of people

  • Being excellent at web development

  • Proven in your web development abilities

  • Being excellent at web development

  • Proven in your customer management abilities

  • Someone constantly wanting to learn

  • Someone constantly wanting to develop themselves

  • Someone constantly wanting to be the Best!

  • To be able to compose professional emails

  • Hold conversations

  • Good phone mannerisms

  • Excellent time management

  • Proactiveness

  • Great grammar

  • Excellent spelling

General Office Tasks

  • Answering the telephone and divert calls in a professional, courteous and timely manner to the correct person within each department

  • Ensuring the wash station in the kitchen is clean and tidy throughout the day. Each team member has one day per week responsibility.

  • Ensuring no cups, cutlery or plates are left in the office unwashed or in the kitchen.

  • Ensuring your work station is clean, tidy, organised and presentable at all times.

General Client Related Tasks

  • Calling new customers

  • Calling existing customers

  • Ensuring customers are happy

  • Retaining clients long term

  • Attending client meetings

More Specific Work-Related Tasks

  • Building new websites

  • Developing existing websites

  • Maintaining websites

  • Ensuring websites are kept up to date

  • Managing website backups

  • Creating email accounts

  • Setting up PCs

  • Managing internal tickets

  • Completing client tickets

  • Creating plugins

  • Developing plugins

  • Creating themes

  • Developing themes

  • Running website audits

  • Running marketing audits

  • Installing Google Analytics

  • Installing Facebook Pixels

  • Gaining Google Qualifications

  • Getting team members Google Qualified

  • Completing Google Tests

  • Setting Up Goals within Google Analytics

  • Tracking Goals within Google Analytics

  • Conversion Rate Optimisation

  • Creating mobile apps

  • Managing mobile apps

  • Being able to assess and report to clients

  • Creating conversions within Google Analytics

  • Creating conversions within Google Adwords

  • Tracking conversions within Google Analytics

  • Tracking conversions within Google Adwords

  • Tracking conversions within Facebook

  • Tracking conversions within Instagram

  • Tracking conversions within Linkedin

  • Google Places management

  • Google Adwords management

  • Monthly client reporting

  • A vs B testing

  • Creating landing pages designed for conversion

  • Producing excellent results

  • To look after the customer at all times

  • To react to client requests quickly

  • To support team members

  • To support the sales team with reports

  • To support the sales team if needed with information

  • To support the sales team if needed in meetings

  • To support the sales team with good prospects to approach

  • Keep record of all works carried out

  • Manage your time effectively using a default diary

  • To keep all spreadsheets up to date

  • To work hard on all client accounts

  • Set repeat tasks to avoid ever forgetting what needs doing

Platform Knowledge

  • Expert Knowledge in WordPress

  • Expert Knowledge in Magento

  • Expert Knowledge in Drupal

  • Expert Knowledge in Concrete5

  • Expert Knowledge in Laravel

  • Expert Knowledge in Joomla

Coding Knowledge

  • Expert Knowledge in HTML

  • Expert Knowledge in CSS

  • Expert Knowledge in PHP

  • Expert Knowledge in JavaScript

  • Expert Knowledge in MySQL

  • Expert Knowledge in PHPMyAdmin

  • Expert Knowledge in JQuery

Working Hours

  • Monday to Friday = 8am to 6pm

  • To be at the office no later than 7.45am

  • Saturday and Sunday = Days Off

  • The office is however open 247 / 365 days per year

General Qualifications Needed

  • English Language = B+

  • English Literature = B+

  • Mathematics = B+

  • Science = B+

  • IT = B+

Specialist Qualifications Preferred

  • Google Adwords Certification

  • Google Analytics Qualified

  • Google Marketing Platform Certified

  • YouTube Qualified

  • Waze Academy

  • Google Digital Garage Qualified

Customer Service Skills

  • Excellent at customer service

  • Being able to speak multiple languages (Preferred)

  • Do whatever it takes to meet deadlines

  • Work evenings and weekends if deadlines are missed. Clients cannot be let down

  • Ensure all team members look after customers, answer calls quickly and return emails swiftly

Past Experience

  • A minimum of 10 years of web development experience

  • A minimum of 10 years of experience using the latest technologies

Future Desires

  • To manage a team of 30+ web designers

  • To want to benefit from the company bonuses and benefits accessible from year 5 at UWD


  • Year 1 = £25,000

  • Year 2 = £26,200

  • Year 3 = £27,400

  • Year 4 = £28,600

  • Year 5 = £29,800

  • Year 6 = £30,000 (+10% Profit Share, Estimated at £10,000) = £40,000

  • Year 7 = £30,000 (+10% Profit Share, Estimated at £12,000) = £42,000

  • Year 8 = £30,000 (+10% Profit Share, Estimated at £14,000) = £44,000

  • Year 9 = £30,000 (+10% Profit Share, Estimated at £16,000) = £46,000

  • Year 10 = £30,000 (+10% Profit Share, Estimated at £18,000) = £48,000


  • References from previous employers

  • The contact details of any past employer

Current Role

  • Web Developer

Time Scales

  • We are actively looking for a top class web developer

How To Apply

  • Please apply by calling our offices on xxxxx and by sending your CV through to HR at xxxx

Removed details to avoid ppl spamming from here

they have certainly made sure they dotted the is and crossed the ts.

Not a place id like to work!

Jesus! All that for £25K. Fuck that. Also just reading that makes me think you’d be micromanaged into oblivion.

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Wow, just wow.


I mean their website is top notch, so they must be good

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Holy crap that’s bad

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Dear god man, please tell me that’s a prank. That person doesn’t exist. if they did, they’d be running their own company or doing something much more profitable. Sounds like a hell-hole of a place to work with a slave-driver of a boss.

You couldn’t even ask that of someone in London on £100k a year let alone Essex on £25k.


The only thing missing from that job spec is make the teas and clean the toilets :joy:


Haha! Insane!

How many people on here work in tech?

I’m a software engineer, mainly do iOS work (~5 years), but recently have been taking on a lot of backend and web site/app work over the last few months.

Well with that attitude you just lost this amazing opportunity

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:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

12 months ago I was a backend engineer, moved into a full stack role then for the last few months moved into data science. Best job in the world if you work at the right place I think! When I’m interviewing a company (lol) I make sure to ask how much of my time will be spent coding, cos one thing’s for sure if there’s a phone needs answering I’ll automate it before I’m picking that shit up haha

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What is work?

Another one for tech here. Site Reliability Engineer now apparently. I still refer to myself as a server monkey, though it’s all infra as code and quite a lot of what I do is in go.


Probably no surprise - I’m also a tech. Developer (full stack), engineer, consultant, architect. Tester at this very moment (this test plan is killing me). Wouldn’t do anything else.

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What is amazing is obviously employees have been “encouraged” or senior management have decide to put in lots of 5* reviews to bring up the rating. :man_facepalming:

Are you sure you can’t be tempted by a move to Colchester? To quote Family Guy… Com’ oooooooon

Having read the glassdoor reviews part of me wants to put a CV together just to get an interview there just to see this in action.

Hah do it, you could be on the next Channel 4 News Investigation story.

That may be the last anyone ever hears of you again. You’ll end up chained to a old Pentium 4 desktop PC running Windows XP, with a supervisor (read overseer) whipping you with a 5m Cat5 cable.

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