The Helpful Hints Thread

Please feel free to add gems of wisdom to help other bikers. Here’s mine:You know those blue TFL stickers in the back of cars that say “Pre-Booked Only. Private Hire”?

Some people think this is to show the vehicle is a licensed mini-cab.

This is not the case. It is a warning.

It means the driver is a complete c**t and you overtake the vehicle at your own risk, as the indicators are purely decorative.

Further, if the name on the vehicle rhymes with “Baddison Bee”, you are as good as dead. Just lie in the road immediately and lay your bike on top of you, to save time.

Hope this helps.

Beware of any driver wearing a hat - any sort of hat.

Special precautions are necessary if the hat is on the parcel shelf.

When on a dual carriageway and stuck behind a fast lane driver who wont pull over, stay there. They are goading you to undertake so they can take you out legally.

…similar theme…when riding down a straight hill in South London at the speed limit and noticing a car edging out into the clear road from a left side turning ahead just check your mirrors and gradually slow down to a halt just by his front door and let him go. He will look bemused of course as there was plenty of room (well about a foot) for you to get past and who cares that there might have been a pedestrian hidden behind him… but one day, just maybe he’ll think- “oh yes I am supposed to * wait * behind the broken line at a junction.”

You see? There’s some really useful stuff being posted here. Perhaps this should be in the Mentoring section…

IF you like riding motorbikes then always wear leather trousers, even if you haven’t got your bike with you. This will let other motorbike riders recognise you, while making everybody else unsure about your sexuality. Wear a neck scarf and cap and start losing your hair to enhance the effect.

Further VIZ TOP TIPS for your reading pleasure:

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa anytime by just turning on the tap.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

Dont buy expensive ‘ribbed’ condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

Greengrocers. Why throw away old, shrivelled, unsold fruit and veg? Simply label it “Organic Produce” and charge twice the usual price.

When buying fruit by the pound, buy grapes instead of apples. Apples are much heavier.

Beat bicycle theft by towing a horse box behind your bike. When you stop, simply padlock the cycle securely inside the horse box.

Imagine you’re in London by simply sitting in your car all day with the engine running, occasionally honking your horn and never actually going anywhere.

Beat the credit card companies at their own game. Run up a massive bill on your credit cards and then kill yourself before your statement arrives, thus avoiding repayment.

LORRY DRIVERS. Make motorway driving more interesting by waiting until a car is overtaking you before pulling out from the inside lane. This is even more fun when there are two cars side by side in the two right hand lanes.

BY using arm signals only at junctions, one can lull motorists into thinking your indicator lights are defective.

BUS DRIVERS. Raise your overall self-esteem and self-importance in life by stopping your vehicle every time a bus approaches from the opposite direction in order to converse with fellow drivers. This is particularly effective in rush hour traffic!

CHEER loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.

INTERNATIONAL master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.

AMERICAN organised crime leaders. Upon capturing the ‘A’ Team do not under any circumstances lock them in a shed full of tools and useful scrap materials.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don’t know.

WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can late be used for shopping lists.

MOTORISTS. Pressing your ‘fog lights’ switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you’re an airline pilot by wedging your
accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.

WHEN out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.

DON’T put washing-up liquid in the garage or loft. Keep it handy in the kitchen. I put mine in the cupboard under the sink.

BOMB disposal experts’ wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.

SAVE money on doorbell batteries by removing them and simply popping to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is there.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and
walking around wearing a miner’s hat.

RE-SPRAYING your car? Cover it with ‘Cling Film’ first. If you don’t like the new colour, simply peel it off and start again.

BUY a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.

LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhoea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

AVOID being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to ‘fast wipe’ whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the f**k you’re going.

OLD contact lenses make ideal ‘portholes’ for small model boats.

MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.

NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Politely point out to the numpty in the Corsa (with big exhaust / nice alloys etc etc) that him ‘taking’ you at the previous 3 sets of traffic lights was more down to you letting him go, rather than the fact that his 998 cc Corsa can out drag a 1000cc Z and you have a life preservation wish, as one feels he is likely safer in front rather than behind as the brakes don’t seem to be able to cope with all the extra power the Corsa has oozing under the bonnet.


Private number plate = bad driver (usually aggressive).

Don’t sit in my blind spot please, it helps nobody.

Funny! I say the exact same thing. It may as well read “oblivious twat” :smiley:

when you realise the bike behind you is faster at filtering than you are, LET THEM PASS.

A personalised numberplate says ‘I’m a flash, vulgar twat with too much money’ and any car with a sign like ‘Powered by fairy dust!!!’ in the back means ‘I’m going to reverse over and write off your motorcycle outside your house. Whoops!’

I’m not bitter. At all…

But if you are crap at filtering DON’T overtake the bike (even - gasp - scooter!) in front of you on the only bit of open road before the next long stretch of tight filtering. (Especially if you have panniers.)

Every other road user really IS an idiot and wants to kill you or maim you in the worst possible way

Good advice from me Uncle Alf when I first started riding.

“If you can’t overtake and have to follow a car, the right position to be in is where you can see the drivers eyes in his rear view and the wing mirror. If you can see his eyes, he can see you. Assuming the twat uses his mirrors”

That’s fifty year old advice, so some things never change.

Many people think that Addison Lee is a transport company, but they’re wrong.

They’re actually a TfL sponsored initiative to scare people off of London roads and onto pubic transport, thus generating increased demand and revenue for the bus, tube and train operators. Any actual transportation of goods or people is purely incidental.

course you can, you’ll need some skills though :smiley:

and no panniers thanks.

The stopping distance of a 219Kg motorbike travelling at 20mph in torrential rain is approximately 17 inches.

Pedestrians are aware of this and take every advantage of the fact.

If your stopping distance in the wet is much worse than in the dry check your rear tyre pressure- it’s probably overinflated.

:Dkeep out the way of my Big Bad 3.0 Audi with private plate