IF you like riding motorbikes then always wear leather trousers, even if you haven’t got your bike with you. This will let other motorbike riders recognise you, while making everybody else unsure about your sexuality. Wear a neck scarf and cap and start losing your hair to enhance the effect.
Further VIZ TOP TIPS for your reading pleasure:
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa anytime by just turning on the tap.
Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
Dont buy expensive ‘ribbed’ condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
Greengrocers. Why throw away old, shrivelled, unsold fruit and veg? Simply label it “Organic Produce” and charge twice the usual price.
When buying fruit by the pound, buy grapes instead of apples. Apples are much heavier.
Beat bicycle theft by towing a horse box behind your bike. When you stop, simply padlock the cycle securely inside the horse box.
Imagine you’re in London by simply sitting in your car all day with the engine running, occasionally honking your horn and never actually going anywhere.
Beat the credit card companies at their own game. Run up a massive bill on your credit cards and then kill yourself before your statement arrives, thus avoiding repayment.
LORRY DRIVERS. Make motorway driving more interesting by waiting until a car is overtaking you before pulling out from the inside lane. This is even more fun when there are two cars side by side in the two right hand lanes.
BY using arm signals only at junctions, one can lull motorists into thinking your indicator lights are defective.
BUS DRIVERS. Raise your overall self-esteem and self-importance in life by stopping your vehicle every time a bus approaches from the opposite direction in order to converse with fellow drivers. This is particularly effective in rush hour traffic!
CHEER loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.
INTERNATIONAL master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
AMERICAN organised crime leaders. Upon capturing the ‘A’ Team do not under any circumstances lock them in a shed full of tools and useful scrap materials.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don’t know.
WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can late be used for shopping lists.
MOTORISTS. Pressing your ‘fog lights’ switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.
BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you’re an airline pilot by wedging your
accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.
WHEN out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.
DON’T put washing-up liquid in the garage or loft. Keep it handy in the kitchen. I put mine in the cupboard under the sink.
BOMB disposal experts’ wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
SAVE money on doorbell batteries by removing them and simply popping to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is there.
SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and
walking around wearing a miner’s hat.
RE-SPRAYING your car? Cover it with ‘Cling Film’ first. If you don’t like the new colour, simply peel it off and start again.
BUY a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.
LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhoea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
AVOID being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to ‘fast wipe’ whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the f**k you’re going.
OLD contact lenses make ideal ‘portholes’ for small model boats.
MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
