Tazer story for our friends from the Mets

Discussing tazer gun with broady’s partner (coper with friends all over soho I understand;)), remind me of a little anecdote I though might amuse some of you. I call this story:

“Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the Eva”

Last year I saw something at Larry’s Airsoft and security Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 5th anniversary and I was looking for a little “something extra” for my partner Eva when in the States. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser.

The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety… WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and mail it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against flesh or a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Eva what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!!

There I sat in my sofa, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my partner to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a t-**** top, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really (and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, “no possible way!” What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it Freddy,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!

(&# %& (# %) (&##)!!!

I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the sofa and then body slammed us both on the carpet over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, “Do it again, do it again!”

Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a taser, one note of caution: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A ONE-SECOND BURST when you zap yourself!!! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent sunglasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I’m still looking for my testicles and offering a significant reward for their safe return.


PS: No cat were hut in the making of this story

A very simple anatomy lesson… When the muscles in your hand spasm, they will not let go of any object you are holding!!! :wink: :stuck_out_tongue:

Lesson learned Freddy? Or are you going to try it again to see where you went wrong? :w00t:

Bloody French! :P:P

let put it this way, Eva’s never got her present… way to much fun!:slight_smile:

That is the funniest thing I have heard all week!!!
Thank you!! HA HA HA… :D:D:D

You kind of knew what was going to happen but was great to read.
So where can we get these from?

I take it Larry’s Airsoft and Security Shop isn’t on Croydon High Street or anywhere within 4000 miles of this country.

It’s funny how unlike everywhere else in the world all means of defending ourselves have been banned, so we have to rely on the world’s most under resourced police force and all the criminals are walking the streets as prison capacity is woefully inadequate.

It’s almost as if we’re all deliberately being set up to be victims of crime.

Great story btw, thanks for posting.

very funny freddy, bring it up the Ace and do it again for us will ya ? :slight_smile:

great story!

Sorry to say I enjoyed the moment a tad more than you obviously did :smiley:

Ha ha. Absolutely superb story! :D:D

lol cheered me up loads that


I got a can of Mace for my girlfriend (not pepper spray …the proper stuff)

can I test it on you ?

+1 lol:P:w00t:

You can try…
I might have a new story about the time when a bloke that could have been my twin if I had one, allegedly tazed that guy one day in a farwest like duel and kept pulling the trigger until the bloke with the mace actually **** his pants…

That would be a story worth telling:hehe:

Brilliant story.

Havnt laughed like this for a long time. :smiley:

if only to have been your cat :wink:

That’s the best story I’ve heard in ages! :w00t:

:w00t::w00t:Yeah bring it to the ACE, i want to see you try that again, pls pls pls pretty pls. You should try it again and see if you can let go of the gun before the 1 second start:D:D:D If you are too scared to do it since you lost your balls, i’ll be more than happy to help but i don’t know how to count. My 1 second my end up being a minute:hehe::hehe::hehe::hehe:

If you can count to 2 then I will be more than happy to accept your offer.
Because I do miss my balls but only want them back in pair to stay balanced.
Lets say Friday then, I will bring the videocam so that we can record you helping me

with my balls!!!

chuffing hilarious

Send it into a Lads mag and you will get free copies for life

Still wiping tears from my eyes now


lol, brilliant. I bet now youre wishing it was the cat! :w00t:

Mace vs Tazer its like a celebrity death match ! :smiley: