Start the day with a SMILE

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
> it. I thought ‘that’s Aboriginal’
>
> I was reading this book today, ‘The History Of Glue’, and I couldn’t
> put it down.
>
> fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, “Nearest the bull goes
> first” He went “Baah” and I went “Moo” He said “You’re closest”
>
> I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and
> on and on.
>
> I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny, you couldn’t
> swing a cat in there!
>
> I said to this man, you invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong.
>
> I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do
> the splits. He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make
> Tuesdays or Thursdays.”
>
> I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
>
> I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet ‘Best
> Before End’
>
> So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said “Analogue ?” I
> said “No, just a watch.”
>
> I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle.” The
> bloke said “Kenwood” I said, “Where’s he then?”
>
> So I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy
> said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign
> it is.”
>
> I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me
> a Volkswagen with no driver.
>
> My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He’s bisatchel.
>
> I went to the doctor. I said to him “I’m frightened of lapels.” He
> said, “You’ve got cholera.”
>
> So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his
> name, it’s P something T something R.
>
> My mate asked me “What do you think of voluntary work?” I said “I
> wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”
>
> So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
> said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.” He said, “No,
> this is for the custard.”
>
> This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
> paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”
>
> So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
> it was a turtle disaster.
>
> So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
> “Tenpin?” I said, “No, it’s a permanent job.”
>
> told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me
> on?” I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising
> you anything.”
>
> So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says “Audi!”
>
> I bought a train ticket and the driver said “Eurostar” I said “Well
> I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin”.