While I was driving down the M4 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side laying in wait with a radar gun.
The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car and with that classic, patronising smirk, asked:
‘Runway too short?’
To which I replied, ‘I’m late for work.’
To which he asked, ‘What do you do?’
‘I’m a rectum stretcher,’ I responded.
The copper was surprised and confused. ‘A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?’
‘Well,’ I said, ‘I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it’s about 6 feet.’
Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, ‘And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?’
To which I politely replied, ‘You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge.’
Speeding ticket: £105.00
Court costs: £45
Look on copper’s face: Priceless. 
