A Married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles
per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks
across at her and speaks in a clear voice “I know we’ve been married
for twenty years, but I want a divorce.”
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly
increases her speed to 45mph.
The husband speaks again. “I don’t want you to try and talk me out of
it,” he says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend,
and she’s a far better lover than you are.”
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly
and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. “I want the house,” he says insistently.
Up to 60.
“I want the car, too,” he continues.
65 mph.
“And,” he says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and
the boat!”
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This
makes him nervous, so he asks her: “Isn’t there anything you want?”
The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice. “No, I’ve got
everything I need,” she says.
“Oh, really,” he inquires, “So what have you got?”
Just before they slam into the wall at 70 mph, the wife turns to him and
smiles.
“The airbag.”
…
Hot off the press from the USA
Tragic Fire
A tragic fire this morning destroyed the personal library of President
George W. Bush.
The fire began in the presidential bathroom, where both of the books were kept.
Both have been lost. A spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished colouring in the second one.
…
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”
The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:
“Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
“Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”
The wife smiles demurely and says,
“You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar,
the driver looks over at his wife and growls at his wife and says
through clenched teeth, “Darn it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”
The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That’s an automatic $75 fine.”
The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license
out of my back pocket.”
The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on.
You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks,
“WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”
The wife says: “Only when he’s been drinking.”
…
A Blonde goes to the council to register for child benefit.
“How many children?” asks the council worker “10” replies the Blonde
“10???” says the council worker… “What are their names?”
“Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne”
“Doesn’t that get a little confusing?”
“Not at all…” says the blonde
“its great because if they are out playingin the street I just have to shout
WAAYNE, YER DINNER’S READY or
WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it…”
“What if you want to speak to one individually?” says the perturbed council worker.
“That’s easy,” says the girl… “I just use their surnames”
…
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, “Hi . . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job”.
The social worker behind the counter says, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he’ll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You’ll have a two bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year”.
The guy says, “You’re bullshitting me!”
The social worker says, “Yeah, well, you started it.”
…
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