Do you have any or know of any.
I quite like this…
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.
“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
“What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said
"Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.
Best I ever heard and a true story. I was getting my hair cut and a guy in another chair was obviously so distracted by the good-looking blonde girl with the scissors that he asked for “shampoo, cut and blow-job.” There followed a very long silence while he went bright red, then the whole place fell about at her reply, “Well, make your mind up, I’ll have to adjust the chair.”
Priceless.
Funniest I heard of was about a Royal Marine in Afghanistan a few years ago. He had recieved a dear john from his girlfriend back home, saying it was over etc…
The guy goes around his unit asking for pictures of girlfriend’s, wives, mother’s and any other female’s he could find. He then put’s them in an envelope and send’s them to his ex-girlfriend with a note saying “Sorry that you want to end it like this. I can’t quite remember which girl you are, so if you could pick out your photo and return the rest, it would be much appreciated!” :w00t:
Now that is a quality comeback! 
Another one was the Seargent Major on parade. He stand’s in front of a particularly scruffy individual, and start’s prodding him in the chest with his pace-stick… He say’s to the young Private “Why is there a piece of sh*t on the end of my stick?” to which the Private replies “There’s none on my end sir!” :w00t:
It was a Friday afternoon and I passed a comment about how it was almost the weekend and thankfully a tough week was nearly over!
A lady in the office stated ‘it aint over til the fat lady sings’
To which I asked, ‘Do you take requests?’
