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If you think you’re fat, you probably are - don’t ask us.
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Learn to work the toilet seat, if it’s up, put it down.
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Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present once again.
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If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
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Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.
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Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. It can’t be altered so just leave it be.
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Shopping is not a sport.
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Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.
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Anything you wear is fine. Really.
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You have enough clothes.
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You have too many shoes
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Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work
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No, we don’t know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
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Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
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Most guys own 2 or 3 pairs of shoes - what makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair out of 30 would look good with your dress?
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“Yes” and “no” are perfectly acceptable answers
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Your mum doesn’t have to be our best friend.
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“Offside” is a term from physics and refers to subatomic particles.
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Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
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You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.
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If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we really meant the other one.
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Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
Topshelf!!
I found these to be particularly relevant…
:blink: You’ve got some cojones there mate 
Oh, here’s some things that may help answer any questions from the ladies 
Man’s Answers To Every Question A Woman Ever Asks
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Why are men such jerks?
It’s a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it’s not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We’re just misunderstood. -
Why do men always have to ogle other women?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I’m fairly certain it’s some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can. -
Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It’s much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus. -
Why do men always say such stupid things?
We like to. It’s actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words. -
Why are men so uncommunicative?
You’d learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner. -
Why do men have to act like such retards?
Well, we don’t actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It’s the old fashioned pride in a job well done that’s missing in so much of the world nowadays. -
Why can’t men just share their feelings?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we’re experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel. -
Why can’t men cuddle more (IE lie down and hug)?
Please… How many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men… Men hunters… Need go roam… Starve in cave… Must go find wildebeest… Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story. -
How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability. -
Why can’t men just say “I LOVE YOU?”
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It’s not easy to admit to one’s own character faults. -
Why do men say “I LOVE YOU” when they hardly know me? Ho, Ho, Ho… Aren’t you special?
Well, some men think it’s a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well. -
Why doesn’t my partner ever answer me?
We just simply don’t have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things. -
Why won’t men ever pick up after themselves?
Why should we? It doesn’t really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you’ll pick it up. -
What’s with all the belching and farting?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It’s our way to let you know that we’re comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it’s actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps. -
Why do men hate shopping?
It’s an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err… buying?
oh man
its really gooood lol
cheers
Awesome posts guys, very funny, had me in stitches )
:hehe::laugh:
9 Words Woman Use
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Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
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Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
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Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
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Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
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Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
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That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
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Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome.
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Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying F@!K YOU!
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Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response, refer to #3.
A lady I know sent me this one, wonder why…
whatever!!!
and still you don’t learn… you think you know… you don’t have a scooby
The most dangerous is the look, it means you’ve forgotten an anniversary or birthday or you had promised to take her or her mother somewhere and forgotten. It’s dangerous because the outburst that should come with it is stored up and fermented until it’s much stronger then let loose at usually the worst moment for you. Unfortunately there is little defence because we did deserve it in the first place . . . :w00t: