New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for friendsreunited.co.uk! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days . . . He’s mowing my lawn.
New Rule:
Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a ‘window’ unless you’re a seagull.
New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids . . . lucky b*stards.
New Rule:
If you need to shave and you still collect football cards, you’re gay. If you’re a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you’re a grown man, they’re pictures of men!
New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows . . . “Do you have two of them?” . . . Okay, we’re done.
New Rule:
There’s no such thing as flavoured water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that ‘watery’ taste. You want flavoured water?
Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavoured water.
New Rule:
The more complicated your Starbucks order, the bigger the ahole you are. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half- soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n’-Low, and one NutraSweet,” then you’re a huge ahole.
New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual, especially if it’s right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God that either you or your girlfriend wasn’t pregnant!
New Rule:
If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cinema a ‘remote’ so we can see what’s playing on the other show.
