I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying.
Why did God invent Man?
She was only joking.
Two peanuts were walking along the road. One was a salted.
Do you want to hear a joke about my cock? Never mind, it’s too long.
What’s pink & hard when you put it in, and soft & wet when you take it out? Bubblegum.
What do you do with a year’s supply of used condoms? Melt them down, mould them into a tyre and call it a Goodyear.
I drank a bottle of Tippex last night. Woke up this morning with a massive correction.
Did you hear about the teenager who overdosed on cannabis? Neither did I.
What’s 6" long, 3" wide and drives women wild? A £100 note.
When I was born doctor said “where did that third leg come from?”
Few for those not so easily offended
Thought I would surprise the postwoman this morning, so I sneaked up to the front door and put my cock through the letterbox…
I don’t know what surprised her more, my cock or the fact that I knew where she lived.
I’m going to go rob a bank tomorrow.
I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels. I’ll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I’m going to fk the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phone book and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I’ll take a **** on the floor and piss everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink ck.
Let’s see Crimewatch f**king stage a reconstruction of that.
Two Serbian soldiers are holed up guarding a hill top. After a while, Pieter tells his buddy he is off for a ****, and heads off looking for a bush.
After 20 minutes, Dimitri starts getting worried, as Pieter still has not returned. Time continues to pass, and, more and more, Dimitri fears his comrade in arms has been killed. After an hour Dimitri, decides to get on the radio and is just about to call for a unit to search for his fellow soldier, when Pieter appears, bold as brass, with a huge grin on his face.
Dimitri: “Pieter! Fking hell I thought you were dead! Where have you been?"
Pieter: "Well I went off to find a bush to take a **** in and, when I found one, I was crouching down, when I saw this beautiful Croatian girl; gorgeous tits, legs to die for. So, I finish my **** and I go over and I start fondling her tits, I stick my finger in her ct, then I take out my ck and I fk her hard, then I come on her tits. After that, I roll her over and fk her again in the are, then I roll her over again and I come again all over her tits!"
Dmitri: "Did she then suck the last of your cm from your ck?”
Pieter: “Don’t be an idiot! Her head had been blown off by a grenade!”
Why I fired my secretary:
Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o’clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”
We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t need to go straight back to the office, do we?” I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s drop by my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Okay,” I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake. Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy birthday”.
And I just sat there…On the couch…Sobbing… Naked… and erect.
them kids…
What’s the difference between Mark Knopfler and Cliff Richard?
One’s in Dire Straits and the other’s in deep ****!
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
Babe, why I never hear you reach orgasm?
Because you’re never at home.
2 blokes walk into a bar, you would have thought one of them would have seen it.