Taken from a book called ‘Disorder in the American Courts’:
LAWYER: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
LAWYER: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 15th.
LAWYER: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
LAWYER: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
LAWYER: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
LAWYER: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
LAWYER: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
LAWYER: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
LAWYER: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
LAWYER: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
LAWYER: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
WITNESS: We both do.
LAWYER: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
LAWYER: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
LAWYER: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
LAWYER: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
LAWYER: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
LAWYER: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
LAWYER: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ******** me?
LAWYER: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid!
LAWYER: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
LAWYER: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different LAWYER.
Can I get a new LAWYER?
LAWYER: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
LAWYER: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
LAWYER: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
LAWYER: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
LAWYER: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
Notice which I sent to your LAWYER?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
LAWYER: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
People?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
LAWYER: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
LAWYER: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
LAWYER: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
LAWYER: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
And the best was saved for last:
LAWYER: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
LAWYER: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing Law