An 18 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two
>months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy
>kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing,
>crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to
>know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later
a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with
>>grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the
Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the
>>mother, and the girl and tells them:
>>"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry
>>her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will
>>pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally,if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a
beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be
>>a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will
>>receive a factory and £2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage,
>>what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the girls father who had
remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, "You
shag her again."
A priest in a small rural town was very fond of the ten chickens and one handsome **** he kept in a hen house behind the rectory.
One Saturday night the priest discovered that the rooster was missing. At the same time the priest heard rumours of ****fights being held in town. Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something during Sunday Mass. During
Mass he asked the congregation,
“Who among you will confess to sporting a handsome ****?”
All the men stood up.
“No, no,” he said. “That’s not what I mean. Who among you will confess to having seen a handsome ****?”
All the women stood up.
“Oh, no,” he said. “That’s not what I mean, either. Who among you will confess to having seen a **** that doesn’t belong to you?”
Half the women stood up.
“Oh Lord,” he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question.
“Has anybody here seen my ****?”
All the choir boys stood up.
Just minutes before the church service started, the towns people were
sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started
screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in
a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had
exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in
his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s
ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
“Nope, sure ain’t” said the man.
“Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word?” asked Satan.
“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.
“Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical
agony forever?”
“Yep,” was the calm reply.
“And you’re still not afraid?”, asked Satan.
“Nope.”
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren’t you
afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for 45 years.”
