Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom! I have someone for you to meet.”
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont .
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, “Why the black panties?”
She replied: “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.”
He knew he was not getting lucky that night
The following night was the same–she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit–but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked:
" What’s with the black condom?"
He replied, “I want to offer my deepest condolences.”
An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbour’s dog while they went on their holidays. The only problem was that the spinster’s own dog was a bitch that was ‘in heat’ and the neighbour’s dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.
As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep, the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sound from downstairs. She rushed
downstairs to find the dogs locked together - mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage. Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.
Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the Vet, and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the Vet answered the phone.
The spinster explained the problem.
The Vet said. “I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise
of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch.”
“Oh,” said the spinster … “Do you think that will work?”
“Well,” the Vet replied, “IT JUST WORKED ON ME !!!”
This is so true!
They always ask at the doctor’s reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what’s wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There’s nothing worse than a Doctor’s Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, ‘Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’
‘There’s something wrong with my dick’, he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ’
‘Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ he said.
The Receptionist replied; ‘Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.’
The man replied, 'You shouldn’t ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes??’
‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
‘And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?’
‘I can’t **** out of it,’ he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you’re going to lose!
An Arab student sends an e-mail to his dad, saying
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really
like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive
at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB
when all my teachers and many fellow students
travel by train.
Your son, Nasser
The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail
from his dad:
My dear loving son
Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred
to your account. Please stop embarrassing us.
Go and get yourself a train too.
Love, your Dad
It’s late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Montana asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught
the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the
winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,
‘Is the coming winter going to be cold?’
‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,’ the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’
‘Yes,’ the man at National Weather Service again replied, ‘it’s going to be a very cold winter.’
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service
again. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?’
‘Absolutely,’ the man replied. ‘It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.’
‘How can you be so sure?’ the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, ‘The Indians are collecting a sh*tload of firewood.’
When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger
And staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife
But… After several weeks, my penis had grown fifty centimeters.
I Became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing, and even walking.
So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that,
Though rare, My condition (Donkey Doodle) could be fixed through corrective Surgery.
“How long will he be on crutches?” my wife asked anxiously.
“Crutches? Why would he need crutches?” responded the surprised doctor.
“Well,” Said the wife coldly, "you’re gonna lengthen his legs, aren’t you?
26th December year dot. The 3 kings are sat in the pub having a pint when one of them states; “The king of kings has been born in a stable in Bethlehem. Lets go, bearing gifts!”
“Great idea!” says the other two. So off they go.
They arrive at Bethlehem and, as they walk into the stable one of the kings stands on a rake hidden under the straw. This flies up and smashes his nose across his face. “JESUS H CHRIST!!!” he screams in agony.
“Thats a good idea” says Mary “We were going to call him Kevin!”