here are a few… add your own too
A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot.
The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot. “What about this
one, Madam?
A beautiful bird and it’s an absolute steal at only £20.”
“Why is it so cheap?” the woman asks.
“Well”, replies the assistant, “it used to live in a brothel and as a
result its language is a touch fruity”.
“Oh, I don’t mind that”, said the woman, making her mind up, “I’m broad
minded and it’ll be a laugh having a profane parrot”. So saying, she
buys the parrot and takes him home.
Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the
woman.
“F*** me!, a new brothel and a new madam”.
“I’m not a madam and this is not a brothel,” scolds the woman trying not
to laugh.
A little later the woman’s two teenage daughters arrive home. “Un
f***king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new
prostitutes,” says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
“Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we’re not prostitutes,” complain the
girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.
A short while later, the woman’s husband, Dave, comes home.
“F***king in-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but
the same old clients … Hows it going, Dave?”
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day
and
they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says
“Mummy,
what are they doing?”. The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummmthey
are making cakes". The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl
sees
two monkies having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing
and
her mother replies with the same response, making cakes. The next day
the
girl says to her mother “Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the
lounge last night eh?”. Shocked, the Mother says “how do you know?”She says, “Because I licked the icing off the sofa”.
I know, very very wrong!
Forty gypsies arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
St Peter said ‘‘Sorry, we’ve only got room for 12. You have to decide amongst yourselves who is coming in and the rest of you will have to wait until tomorrow, I’ll be back in a few minutes to see what you’ve decided .’’
Five minutes later St Peter returns to the gates to see what has been decided and then goes to find God and to tell him what’s happened and says ‘’ They’ve gone’’.
God said ‘’ What, all forty?’’
St Peter says ‘’ No , the fu%king gates
How To Prepare Chicken… 
A waiter asks a man, “May I take your order, sir?”
“Yes,” the man replies. “I’m just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?”
“Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”
Bad reception A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, “How is much is this TV?” The salesman said, “Sorry, we don’'t sell to blondes.” The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, “Sorry, we don’'t sell to blondes.” The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, “Sorry we don’'t sell to blondes.” She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"
“Because that is not a TV, it’'s a microwave.”
Indecent Exposure A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts. A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, “Ma’am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?” “Why, officer?” asks the blonde. “Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed.” “Oh my goodness,” exclaims the blonde, “I left my baby on the bus!”
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn’t stand still. He asked Father
Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I’m worried about gettin’
nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o’ whiskey. Just to calm my nerves." So the
next Sunday he took the older priest’s advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and
took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after
mass, he found the following note on his door:
-
A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.
-
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
-
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
-
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
-
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
-
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
-
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the
Spook.
-
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
-
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say "He was
stoned off his ass."
-
We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
-
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for
it is my body"; he did not say, “Eat me.”
-
The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, “Mary with the Cherry”.
-
The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the
grub, yea God"
- Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick’s, not a patrick-
pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After
a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion,
you’re not supposed to eat pork…Have you actually ever tasted it? The Rabbi said, "I
must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." Then the Rabbi had his turn of
interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too…I know you’re suposed to be celibate.
But…" The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you’re going to ask. I have succumbed
once or twice." There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the
newspaper he was reading and said, “Better than pork, isn’t it?”
and now i hope you have british humour…
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, “where were you?”.
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the
clouds; “look son, look what I’m after making”.
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “what is it?”
God replied, "it’s another planet but I’m after putting LIFE on it. I’ve named it Earth
and there’s going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there’s
North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and south
America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that’s going to be a hot
spot. Now look over here. I’ve put a continent of whites in the north and another one
of blacks in the south."
And then the archangel said, “and what’s that green dot there?”.
And God said "ahhh that’s the Emerald Isle - that’s a very special place. That’s going
to be the most glorious spot on earth; Beautiful Mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and
an exquisite coast line. These people here are going to be great craic and they’re
going to be found traveling the world. They’ll be playwrights and poets and singers
and songwriters. And I’m going to give them this black liquid which they’re going to go
mad on and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to imbibe."
Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled
proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said there was going
to be a balance…"
God replied wisely. “Wait until you see the feckers I’m gonna put next to them”
daft one…
why do elephants paint the bottom of their feet yellow?
so they can hide upside down in custard…
ever seen an elephant in your custard?
…shows what a great disguise it is!!
There’s two snowmen standing in a field. One says, “Here, can you smell carrots?”
Whats black and red all over???
A penguin with a sun tan…
- What is the similarity between a woman and a washing machine?
It drips when its f*cked!
- What’s white and red and sits in the corner?
A baby with a razor blade
- Whats white and yellow 2 weeks later?
The same baby.
- Whats green and goes red at the flick of a switch?
A frog in a blender.
- What do you call a blonde that has died her hair brown?
Artificial Intelligence.
- Definition of Oxymoron = Military Intelligence
…
Got loads more … but have to work… sorry peeps… just a taster…
Im a PC - And hiding from Raul Moat was my idea
Sorry, that was nasty.