Have been sent this just after Id been cut off by the Post Office because the recipent of the call, a Customer Advisor, didnt want me to know their surname and shall forever be known as “Ahmed”.
A SENIOR MOMENT - I HOPE I HAVE THEM LIKE THIS
A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank
manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I
endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three
nanoseconds’ must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and
the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer,
of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an
arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight
years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty
for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas
I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try
to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now
on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer
be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act
for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached
an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to
complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know
as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical
History must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities)must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I
will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in
dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits
but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses
required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service…
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me
level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1 - To make an appointment to see me.
2 - To query a missing payment.
3 - To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4 - To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5 - To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature…
6 - To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7 - To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my
computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a
later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8 - To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8…
9 - To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again
following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to
cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous,
New Year.
Your Humble Client
Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman; DOESN’T SHE MAKE
YOU PROUD!
