DIAL F1 FOR MURDER !!!
Following his defeat at the hands of rising British star LEWIS HAMILTON in Montreal, reigning F1 World Champion FERNANDO ALONSO made accusations of favouritism against the two rivals’ team bosses.
Not surprisingly the press were quick to paint the two McLaren drivers as sworn enemies. But, says one pit lane insider, the truth behind the headlines is even more sinister. For, according to Terry Ethelred, a portable toilet evacuator from Silverstone, relations between the drivers have now broken down to such an extent that Alonso is now regularly making attempts on Hamilton’s life.
With his privileged behind-the-scenes access to the paddock at this years British GP, Terry saw at first hand the deadly game now being played out in the McLaren pits. He told us:
’Believe you me, if someone doesn’t put a stop to this soon, Hamilton is going to get murdered off of Fernando Alonso.’
Terry first suspected that something was amiss after the Friday practice session for the British GP. He told us:,
’I’d been called in to empty the chemical toilet in Ron Dennis’s motorhome. I was just about to start screwing the vacuum unit to the external sump outlet when the two drivers came walking past. Hamilton had just set fastest time in sector one, and Alonso asked him to his Winnibago for a celebratory drink. I was invited to go in too.’
’Alonso got three glasses out and opened a bottle of wine. As he did so, I saw he was wearing a particularly large ring I had never noticed before on the middle finger of his left hand. I couldn’t believe what I saw next…Alonso turned his back to Hamilton while pouring the drinks, taking the opportunity to empty about a spoonful of white crystals out of the ring, straight into the British driver’s drink. Hamiltons wine began to bubble, and all white smoke came out of the top of the glass.’
’’ I immediately suspected it was a sleeping powder. Alonso was clearly trying to drug Hamilton so that he would nod off at the wheel during the next practice session and suffer a fatal crash. I did the only thing I could. I snatched the drugged glass out of Alonso’s hand and downed it in one. Alonso was furious and asked me to leave.’’
’’ It wasn’t long before the sleeping potion began to have its effects on me .The next thing I knew was it was three hours later and I was being woken up by an angry Ron Dennis. I had evidently fallen asleep under his motorhome and he was furious. He shouted at me that he wasn’t paying me to sleep on the job when his toilet was backing up with turds.’’
’’ I couldn’t tell Ron that I had been asleep after just foiling a murder plot against one of his star drivers. I’ve never been a tell.tale, and never will be, it’s as simple as that.’’
From that moment on Ethelred knew that Hamiltons life was under threat from his jealous team-mate, and he vowed to do everything he could to protect the British star. And it wasn’t long before he had to leap to the rookie drivers aid once more.
He told us:
’’ Just before the qualifying sessoin on Saturday afternoon , I was called to an emergency in the McLaren pitlane garage lavatories. I’ve been in the business 20 years ,so it didn’t take me long to identify the problem as a log jammed across the main effluent U-bend trap where it feeds into the top of the septic tank. I went out to my van to get my stick with a fork on the end. While I was out there, I noticed someone skulking around in the shadows near Hamiltons car. It was Fernando Alonso and he appeared to be emptying something out of a jam jar into the cockpit of Hamiltons car.’’
’’ As soon as the coast was clear I went over to take a closer look and what I saw left me shocked and appalled . For there, sitting on the gear lever was some sort of exotic spider . Alonso’s plan was clearly for Hamilton to get bitten off it and killed when he went to set off for the qualifying session, which was now moments from starting,’’
’’ I knew I had to act fast to prevent murder, so I reached down into the car and grabbed the spider,which immediately stang me on the hand. I could feel its fatal venom making its way up my arm to my heart, and I knew I had minutes to live,’’
’’ Luckily, my mate ,who is a spider expert and always carries an antidote with him, spends every Saturday afternoon in the Fox and Hounds in Whitlebury. Without thinking, I leapt into my van and drove there at top speed. I was just in time and the antidote worked, saving my life. However , not surprisingly, it left me unsteady on my feet and slurring my words. As I staggered out of the pub, I walked straight into Ron Dennis who was absolutely livid. He wanted to know what I was doing in the pub while his pit-lanr bogs were blocked solid…If only I could have explained that I had been busy saving the life of his number one driver , but I am no snitch.’’
Thanks to Terry,Hamilton had already cheated death at the hands of his jealous rival twice in as many days but, on the day of the race, the terror quotient got ratcheted up even higher as Alonso’s murder attempts became even more outrageous.
’’ On Sunday morning ,with the race just hours away , tensions were running high in the McLaren camp. I could sense Alonso getting more and more desperate. He knew he had just a short time left in which to polish off Hamilton and prevent him taking a potentially unassailable lead in the World Drivers Championship.’’
’’ Hamilton was in the garage going over his race strategy with his chief mechanic. Meanwhile, I’d been brought in to powerflush a suspected buildup of tomato skins and sweetcorn kernels out of the soil pipe in his motorhome toilet. But before I had a chance to start , Alonso wandered up carrying eight tins of Special Brew. He said they were a present for the British driver from one of the team sponsors , and he was just going to leave them on Hamilton’s bed.’’
’’ My suspicions were already aroused, but they were aroused even further when I heard the unmistakeable sound of Alonso from inside the motorhome ,opening the tins one by one. Pretty soon after that he came out , looking shiftily from side to side and whistling- I took the opportunity to nip inside and see what he’d been up to. What I saw in there filled me with horror.’’
’’ There, lying on Hamilton’s bed were the eight cans ,spilling their contents into the room. But it wasn’t Special Brew gushing out ,it was something even worse – deadly cyanide gas… Alonso’s murderous plan was to fill Hamilton’s campervan with lethal cyanide fumes. One sniff of the deadly vapours would have been enough to kill the British driver stone dead in seconds.I had to get in there and open some windows ,and quickly:’’
’’ Luckily, after two decades working at the sharp end of the portable lavatory business you work up an immunity to noxious smells. I managed to get in there and stay conscious long enough to open some windows before collapsing on the bed. I must have been out for at least an hour, because the next thing I remember is being shaken awake by an angry Ron Dennis. He’d found me passed out on Hamilton’s bed in a pile of empty Special Brew cans, put two and two together, and made five.’’
’’He threatened to report me to my boss and get me fired. At that point it would have been the easiest thing in the world to have explained I was merely foiling Alonso’s cyanide gas attack on Hamilton , but I’m no grass. I kept my mouth shut, and took my tongue-lashing like a man.’’
Later that afternoon,with the race about to start , Ethelred thought that Hamilton was safe from his Spanish team.mate’s deadly plots. But he was wrong…
’’My job was done at the McLaren pits, and I’d been called over to the winners podium to scrub some skid marks off the toilet pan just in case The Duchess of Kent needed to use it during the race . Just as I was on my way into the cubicle, a sudden movement in the Champagne store room caught my eye. It was Alonso again , and he was pouring something into the bottles with a funnel. I went in to ask what he was doing.’’
’’ Before I knew what was happening, he hit me over the back of the head with a spanner and ran off… When I came round ,I picked up the bottle he had been messing with and to my horror I found tha the’d filled it to the brim with deadly sulphuric acid. Alonso was planning to let Hamilton win the race. Only to get dissolved to death on the winners’ podium when he showered himself with bubbly.’’
’’ I knew I had to get that bottle of acid to the police as evidence.I was still groggy from the injury to my head but I nevertheless managed to carry it down the steps and into the back of my van. I then went back and fetched several more bottles just in case Alonso had got to them as well…Unfortunately , Ron Dennis saw me loading the van with the Champage and jumped to the wrong conclusion. On this occasion he reported me to my boss. I was already on three written warnings following a series of misunderstandings and a fight with a customer, so I was sacked on the spot.’’
Terry later pleaded guilty at Towcester Magistrates Court to stealing eight bottles of Champagne from Silverstone Racing Circuit , and was sentenced to 200 hour community service…He may have lost his job, but he doesn’t regret what he did. He told us:
’’ At the end of the day, I saved Lewis Hamiltons life four times. Now what worries me is what is going to at the next Grand Prix. And the one after that. Without me there to keep an eye on him, there is nothing to stop Alonso killing Hamilton and stealing the Championship from under his nose.’’