I couldn’t resist…a bit of satire is just too fun.
To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland:
We welcome your interest in our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to witness a real Republic in action, if only from a distance. As always, we’re amused by your quaint belief that you’re actually a Great Power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o-chum!!
However, we regretfully must decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.5% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no “real” power.) After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that the majority of the world views switching to a Monarchy as a MAJOR step BACKWARDS.
To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions we hope that you will consider:
Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents and then we’ll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.
If you want English actors as good guys, make your own movies. Stop relying on us for your modern popular culture. We liked “Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels”, “Trainspotting” and “The Full Monty.” We’ve also heard good things about this new “Billy Elliot.” However, one good movie a year doesn’t exactly make a cultural powerhouse. You’re doing pretty well with music so keep up the good work on that front, eh?
It’s inefficient to have a national anthem that changes it’s title whenever yoru monarch dies. Let’s not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty…it’s toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt “Candle in the Wind” again for you guys?
Change your national sport. Football? Soccer? Whatever. Also, could you train your fans to NOT start international incidents at every tournament they attend?
Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy…Salt & Vinegar chips are quite tasty too. However, there is a reason that the BEST food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize that the French aren’t the spawn of Satan THEY’LL teach you how to cook.
You’re doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing…it’s cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than it is to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins…that’s why we bought the companies.
We’ll tell you who killed JFK if/when you apologize for “Teletubbies.”
Thank you for your time…You are now free to return to watching bad Australian soap operas.
P.S. - Regarding WW2, You’re Welcome.