When you have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying “Hello.”
I politely said, “This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?”
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear “Get the right ****ing number!” and slammed the phone down on me.
I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.
When the same guy answered the phone I yelled “You’re an asshole!” and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word asshole next to it, and put it in my desk draw.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “Your an asshole!” It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my theraputic “asshole calling” would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our caller ID program?”
He yelled “NO!” and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an asshole!”
One day I was a the shops, getting ready to pull into a parking space. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the space I’d been waiting for. I hit the horn and yelled, but he ignored me. I noticed a For Sale sign in his back window with his phone number on it, so I wrote it down.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole I though that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too, I said “I’m calling to view your BMW for sale, can you tell me your address so I can come see it?” He said "34 Mowbray Drive, it’s a yellow house, and the car’s parked outside. “What’s your name”, “Don Hansen” he said. “What time are you home?” I said, “I’m home every evening after 5” he said. “Listen Don, can I tell you something?” “Yes” “Don, you’re an asshole!” Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole number 1 “Hello, you’re an asshole!” but I didn’t hang up. “Are you still there?” he asked, “Yeah” I said, “Stop calling me” he screamed. “Make me” I said “who are you?” he aksed, “My name is Don Hansen”, “Where do you live?” he said “34 Mowbray Drive, a yellow house with a black BMW outside”. He said “I’m coming over right now Don, and you better start saying your prayers”.
Then I called asshole number 2 “Hello?” he said, “Hello asshole” I said, he yelled “if I ever find out who you are I’ll kick your ass” he screamed "Well asshole, here’s your chance, I’m coming over right now.
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I live at 34 Mowbray Drive and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down on Mowbray Drive. I got in my car and headed over to Mowbray Drive. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and news crews.
NOW I feel much better, Anger Management really does work.
