An anonymous letter from a citizen of the U.K. to America

"In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths and territories (excepting Kansas; which she does not

Your new Prime Minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect;

You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary Then
look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter U will be
reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and neighbour. Likewise you will
learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters and the
suffix “ize” will be replaced with “ise”.

Generally you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to an acceptable
level - look up vocabulary. Using the same 27 words interspersed with
filler noises - such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ - is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English.
We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker
will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the
elimination of ‘ize’.

You will relearn your original national anthem. God Save The Queen.

July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. You will learn to
resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The
fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you are not
adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults.
If you are not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist then you are not grown up enough to handle a
gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.

The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) and pay roughly $6/US Gallon. Get used to it! You will
learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not
real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat
and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to a
beer and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as near-frozen
gnats urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in
Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having ones ears
removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play Rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every 20 seconds or
wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called ‘The World Series’ for a game that is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your borders, your error is understandable.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It has been driving us mad.

An internal revenue agent (i.e. Tax Collector) from Her majesties
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (back dated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

Quality bit of satire, that was…

i dont think they will get the ironie.very funny

There are many versions of this letter, but its just so “on the money” I read it over and over again. Hilarious mate.

Perfect for a dull Friday morning thanks KSG

It’s the goodstuff.

I find the irony too. God save the Queen, what what chaps!

It’s been around a while but never ceases to make me chuckle! Given how old it is I’m amazed that no American has written a ‘response’ to it.

Someone was on fire when they wrote that one, I love it, hehe.

I love it :slight_smile:


Reminds me of when the US Govenment wanted to buy the freehold for the US Embassy in Grosvenor Sq. Apparently the Duke of Westminster was quite happy to acquiese provided they repaid the value of the lands he lost after their little revolution, plus interest. Funnily enough they couldnt afford it.

Has anyone got the US aircraft carrier / lighthouse one? Man, those yanks have argued with lighthouses from Scotland, Ireland and Canada all the way down to Australia. You’d think they’d have learnt by now, lolroffles.

That lighthouse had BETTER give way, damnit!!!

Give it time!

Classic and inspired piece of writing!

I’ve already taken that liberty…

Yeah, sorry KS, catching up on posts and post my reply before id seen the other!

No worries…it’s all for a laugh in any event.