It’s gotta be said, I never thought I’d be in this position again. Running round like a headless chicken cos I’m gonna be late for class. I’m stuck in the check out queue in Borders cos I’ve had to buy, of all things, a notebook and a pen so I can take notes… it never once occurred to me that I was already slipping straight back into that role that caused all those black eyes when I was 12… yup the teacher’s pet. Thankfully I grew out of that, but it seems old habits die hard.
The class, well it may be something you lot would be interested in because, about 3 months ago I got a flat tyre and I just didn’t have a clue! I ended up doing the insurance thing, and they did the are you ‘really sure’ thing and then I did the sitting by the side of a very busy dirty London road thing, feeling like a twat cos my mega cool machinery (alright it’s a Bandit 600, but I like it) wasn’t working. All the 12 year olds on their Peugeots were blasting past and laughing, but anyway, S.O.S Emergency Recovery turn up and took me to THE tyre guys, whom I can’t mention by name for legal purposes (Kennington’s lovely at this time of year though!). During the ride we discussed the idea of learning how to do repairs and stuff myself, and what college came up? Why Merton College of course, in South-west London.
Now, two weeks after the tyre incident, my battery died and S.O.S Recovery had to come out and save me again. Luckily they arrived just in time to save me from stuffing the Peugeot owner down the nearest storm drain. Once again, same conversation, same name, Merton College… hmmm.
Now, to really make matters worse, 2 days after the flat battery, I got ANOTHER rear flat. The same S.O.S guy turns up that saved the lucky Peugeot owner a couple of days earlier... This time he saved 2 Vespa owners that I’d been picking on just to keep that Mod/Rocker “bad blood” boiling after all these years. They were Meeja morons in mohair shoes and silk shirts, they deserved it! Anyway, S.O.S guy pulls my foot out of Meeja Fool’s backside and removes my fist from his teeth, and asks me if I’d signed up for Merton College yet, and it occurred to me, hey, I could actually go and do that. Learn something about bikes, something I’ve ALWAYS wanted to do.
You must know that feeling. You’re looking at an engine and going, hmmmmm “I should know what’s going on here, but last time I tried anything spanner-like, a bolt the size of a grain of sand mysteriously teleported into thin air, and the brakes didn’t work after that, so I’m a BIT nervous about fiddling with anything that might be as important as stopping me and machine.
Well fear not! There’s Millions of us like that out there, myself included, which is why I’ve signed up for Motorcycle Maintenance and Repair Basic Course. It’s a 20 week part time evening course at the college just near Morden at the bottom of the Northern Line (or as we South Londoners like to refer to it “The Classier End”). Now the price has gone up from £200 to £400 this year because it’s no longer a City and Guild course, but this means the instructors (an integral part of London Motor biking history – Howard Cook and his team) can all teach the way they want to rather than the way a Guild course must be run. Look at it this way, £400 now saves you countless hundred in over-inflated “labour” costs down the line. Plus you feel like a smug git cos you really can call yourself a biker when you know how to take one apart and put it back together with NO screws left over AND it works when you hit the starter. £400 is a sacrifice, but a sacrifice WELL worth taking.
Now there are no tests and there are no exams, so if normal school put you off, don’t worry! This is also not the sort of course that means you walk in-green and you walk out tinkering with Valentino Rossi’s suspension cos you’re the only bloke (or bird, sorry Foxy?) on the planet that is skilled enough to do so. In 20 weeks, you will learn a good deal, but it is part time, and you have to want to make use of this information. There’s a great library and the course is full of like-minded people all of whom want to learn how to work on their own machines.
Now the question is… where do I come in? Why am I doing this? Well, if you’ve read these far, congratulations and thank you. I don’t think even my English teacher bothered past the second paragraph, which may go some way to explaining the appalling grammar you’ll have read through and cringed at so far.
My job? Well, each week I’ll be writing up a progress report on what I’ve learnt, how badly I got it wrong and whether or not my two intrepid Russki bound class mates, MattCBF600 and Macp (fellow Londonbikers.com reprobates stand up and take a bow if you would boys) have actually managed to learn anything. As the course schedule goes, week one is going to be Tool selection. Fine, that may be obvious to many of you out there, but I’ve been riding for 2 years now and I only found out what a torque wrench did last week. Look don’t get smart, they sent me back to school cos I was the one that needed it most.
Where does that leave us? Well I’ve just paid £4.99 for a pen and some note-paper, and I’m now sat by the side of the road waiting for the S.O.S guys to turn up and rescue me. On the way to college, I broke the selector spring on my gearbox and now I can’t get her into gear. 1st feels like 5th, 2nd has just vanished and just to play silly buggers, the neutral light comes on when I’m in 4th, instant neck snap every time I try and release the clutch for more than a second. Ouch. Frankly, I NEED this education much more than I first thought.
So catch up with me here on “Back to School” to find out how to keep your bike running, and learn some amazing and interesting facts about Merton College and the history of biking in London from guys that have been doing it for YEARS! Ooh, hold on, there’s moped coming. If I chuck this 10lb mallet into his front wheel, I’m sure I could take him down… See ya next time.
Related Linkswwww.merton.ac.uk
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